Tinted Truth
by Guardian-381
Summary: Watari, Tsuzuki, and Hisoka's thoughts on Tatsumi. Oneshot, complete, mention of TsuzukiHisoka and TatsumiTsuzuki. PostKyoto.


Hi, everyone, and thanks for checking out this story. It's been a while since I posted anything, the reason behind that being that I'm largely retired from fanfiction... however, this particular story refused to leave me alone, and so I went ahead and wrote it. It may interest some of you to know that the story was inspired by a song called 'The Alarm Is On Love' by a band called The Story, and though it's not a songfic there are a few references to the song in here. The summary should make it pretty straightforward: obviously, the names in italics/underlined denote the current speaker. I hope you enjoy this story, and please remember, common courtesy when reviewing (please review if you have anything at all to say, constructive criticism good but flames without basis bad, etc...).

Disclaimer: I own neither The Alarm Is On Love (mentioned briefly above) or anything related to Descendants of Darkness/Yami no Matsuei.

**Tinted Truth**

_Watari_

We've never had a conversation.

Oh, of course we've spoken to each other: he's not a completely reclusive freak. It's just always been about work. "Watari, can you pull Tsuzuki out of that book?" "Watari, can you research Professor Satomi?" "Watari, can you take a look at this computer?" And I reply with the expected nod, or a "Yes, Tatsumi," and everything proceeds as he wants it.

It's unnatural, is what it is. Even at the Count's parties, he's very businesslike. The teacups and the tuxedos serve the same purpose as the Count's mask: they allow him a safety curtain, a shield. What I have yet to understand is why he thinks he needs these shields at all, even when he's among friends.

I don't understand why, every day, he insists on hiding from us. It's not even as though he does a good job of it: he can't keep his concern for Tsuzuki hidden, at least not while he's breaking every rule in his personal code of conduct to save him from suicide. His good heart shines through the shadow around it, and it seems like such a waste of time, energy, and rare beauty to keep up such a useless barrier.

Seeing through the shadow and actually getting through it, however, are two very different matters. I've only gotten close to Tatsumi once, when his desire to protect Tsuzuki was nearly overcome by his sense of duty. It was just so stupid, and I've never been one for self-restraint. How can such a strong Shinigami be so terrified of something as simple, as important as love?

Even then, he couldn't speak to me.

Of course, I don't think about this all the time, as a rule. I'm not some half-rabid Tatsumi fangirl (although, if that potion ever gets off the ground, I'll be halfway there). It's just sometimes, when I see him, I wonder how he feels. I wonder whether his barriers work on every feeling but those he has for Tsuzuki, and whether, if they do, they'll eventually bend enough to allow him to be happy.

I wonder whether we'll ever be good enough friends for him to tell me.

----

_Tsuzuki_

I love Tatsumi.

Even though he walked out on me, and he keeps docking my pay, and he keeps interrupting my candy breaks to yell at me for spending too much money, I love him. It's not the same as what I feel for Hisoka, but it's still love.

I love Tatsumi because I can understand him.

The shouting, the selling our services to people in need, the glaring... that's all just an act. The real Tatsumi is scared of making mistakes: that's why he's so obsessive about his work. The real Tatsumi likes to hide his power, not lord it over everyone else.

The real Tatsumi, just like me, feels guilty for being alive, for whatever happiness that gives him. That's why he couldn't be my partner anymore: I made him too happy, and he was scared that he was taking too much from me. He thinks people are like bank accounts, that there's a limit to how much love and joy you can draw from them before they end up being drained completely, like an éclair shell with all the cream sucked out.

I want to tell him love doesn't work that way, but he wouldn't believe me. He's used to a very sacrificial love, and would think I was lying to make him feel better about hurting me.

Sometimes I notice him looking at me, and I know that it's not me he's seeing. It's the same way that I know I must have looked at Luka in the Count's book: there's regret, and a powerful urge to dispel it by changing the past. There's disappointment. There's fear.

There's a self-blame more painful than Touda's fire.

I've always wanted to ask him what's on his mind when he's looking through me like that, what scene is playing through his head. I always stop. It's not that I'm afraid of crossing a line, because we're beyond that, or that I'll dredge up a painful memory, because it's already there.

I'm afraid his truth would remind me too much of my own, and that we'd be damaged even more by my inability to handle it.

Maybe one day, I'll be strong enough to hear his answer.

---

_Hisoka_

Sometimes, I hate him.

Tatsumi can be an extremely cruel man. I don't know enough of Shinigami powers to know whether this is a side effect of his Shadowmancy, but it doesn't really matter. Whatever's responsible for his cruelty, it's still there.

And yet, he's one of the most gentle men I've ever met.

He's defined himself by the desire to protect and nurture a man who will never be his, and yet doesn't resent the fact that that same man is mine. Yes, he yells, and glares, but there's nothing behind it. He just does it because he feels he has to, because he's afraid that loosening his grip on power would mean losing it entirely, thus rendering him unable to protect Tsuzuki.

The depth of pain that this costs him is almost as deep as that which I've felt in Tsuzuki. As it would in anyone else, it drives him to hurt people, like his mother, who he sees as ruined by his love, and Tsuzuki, whose feelings of exclusion and negativity were reinforced by Tatsumi's abandonment of him. I sense a deep regret in him when he sees Tsuzuki, and though I can see that he's let go of any hope that he might once again be in my place, that resignation has not killed his desire for it.

My hate for him goes beyond the basic fear of losing Tsuzuki to him: I detest his cowardice. People say that he controls things from the shadows like it's a good thing, but I think it says something about the worst part of Tatsumi's personality. He's not in the shadows because it makes him more powerful: he lives in them because he's terrified of the alternative.

Maybe I should be pitying him instead, and I do. But it's hard to feel sorry for someone who's locked himself in the darkness when you've known what it's like to be there without the power of escape. Is fear really all that keeps him there? Is there really no key in the lock but that which has been fastened around his own neck?

If that's the case, I can't even begin to understand him.


End file.
